PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
