I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
