The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
