Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
