dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My cat gives me a boner
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
