Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
