no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
