Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize