don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
