did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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