Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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