oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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