So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
