When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
