I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
