i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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