it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize