my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize