my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
