i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Someone shattered a urinal.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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