You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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