Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
