They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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