found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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