Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
