Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
