i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
