I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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