I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
