three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
