I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
