my phone needs a breathalizer
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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