The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
