I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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