Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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