I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
