Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Two words: blizzard sex
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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