Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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