Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you had me at cake vodka
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
