A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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