i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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