dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
