Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
