I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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