Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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