Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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