There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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