Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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