i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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