she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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