just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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