and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
