he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
