so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize