a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
