i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
