You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
