history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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