A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
