the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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