you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
