woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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