Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize