Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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